Dear old me…

exhausted.jpg

Dear old me…

It’s crazy how dramatically you’ve changed in the past three years, isn’t it?

From loving life to absolutely hating it. From feeling happy to numbing sadness.

Who would’ve known, that your life would soon come to this? Come to what I now have to suffer and endure through?

The lazy habits you left behind affect me from day-to-day. Sometimes, I don’t even have the motivation to live. Why did you leave me this? Why did you leave me to salvage what had already been broken into a thousand pieces?

You took your life for granted, didn’t you? Pleasing your parents without having to try. Impressing others when you, in reality, made no effort to. You had pride, you had respect, you were confident and eager to live your life.

Yet, you were dissatisfied with how things were. You never had enough of anything, wanted everything and even when you were given things, you still always wanted more.

You ungrateful brat.

Look at what kind of person you’ve made me into. I look around my room, silently crying at all you left behind for me. Thinking to myself,

“Why did you want this? It’s not needed. Neither is this. Nor this. Nor this. Nor this…”

And I cannot change anything. The burden of guilt will be forever on my shoulders. Your confidence has turned into my sorrow, my self-consciousness, my self-hatred, my fear of embarrassment and being judged by others, my fear of rejection, fear of intimacy, fear of love.

Whenever I experience the same happiness you experienced, I can never be truly happy. There is always an underlying tone of darkness. You left me with nothing and I am now trapped in the chasms of sadness, unable to free myself. Even when there is a lifeline, I am reluctant. Why? Because I am undeserving. I am undeserving because of your actions. Your faults.

The life you left behind for me was far too flawed to be developed into anything- anything good.

Now, I no longer yearn for what you yearned. I no longer become jealous or experience feelings of envy. I am no longer dissatisfied with life for all the wrong reasons.

Because, what I want is something money cannot buy.

And something I am unlikely to truly have, because of the burdens you left behind and force me to carry.

All I want…

is happiness.

Is that too much to ask?

15 thoughts on “Dear old me…

  1. yenmanuel says:

    you’re a great writer who has great idea in writing! can I also use your title “Dear Old Me” to my next blogpost? I am just inspired and wanted to write like that as well. Thumbs up to your maturity and inner thoughts. God bles!! 🙂

    Like

  2. mymultipassionatemind says:

    Take it from me, as a 31 year old who has been where you are, things can change, nothing is forever. The fact you’re still here and trying to be a strong person means you’re not a quitter. As you get older, the things youre concerned about now, the things getting you down, will become microscopic.The things you’re feeling and going through right now? Every teenager experience that to some degree. I guess Ill have to and read through all your other posts to understand what youve endured to get to this point.

    You’re a great writer. Keep writing 🙂 Let your weaknesses and vulnerabilities be your strength. Everytime I encounter a tough time I just think to myself “one day this will make a great story”. It’s all part of your journey, the heros journey. Lets face it, the story woul dbe boring if there was no turmoil in the middle right?

    I love that you describe your blog as a safe place to unleash emotions with no judgement. I feel you 🙂 Thats why I started my blog. I felt like I couldn’t put those feelings and experiences down anywhere else and maybe they could be of use to someone else.

    Sending you lots of support.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. sunshinyshowers says:

    Never give up. Many of us have been where you are now but things have changed. One day it will for you too. You’ve made the first step you’ve decided you want to get better and find happiness again. You just have to keep going and never give up x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. puppy'sheart says:

    Oh my God, I’m crying reading this.This is what I felt too for recent three years, I wish you have bright days in the future. Thanks you for sharing and do not give up! Warm wishes for you

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s