Dear old me…
It’s crazy how dramatically you’ve changed in the past three years, isn’t it?
From loving life to absolutely hating it. From feeling happy to numbing sadness.
Who would’ve known, that your life would soon come to this? Come to what I now have to suffer and endure through?
The lazy habits you left behind affect me from day-to-day. Sometimes, I don’t even have the motivation to live. Why did you leave me this? Why did you leave me to salvage what had already been broken into a thousand pieces?
You took your life for granted, didn’t you? Pleasing your parents without having to try. Impressing others when you, in reality, made no effort to. You had pride, you had respect, you were confident and eager to live your life.
Yet, you were dissatisfied with how things were. You never had enough of anything, wanted everything and even when you were given things, you still always wanted more.
You ungrateful brat.
Look at what kind of person you’ve made me into. I look around my room, silently crying at all you left behind for me. Thinking to myself,
“Why did you want this? It’s not needed. Neither is this. Nor this. Nor this. Nor this…”
And I cannot change anything. The burden of guilt will be forever on my shoulders. Your confidence has turned into my sorrow, my self-consciousness, my self-hatred, my fear of embarrassment and being judged by others, my fear of rejection, fear of intimacy, fear of love.
Whenever I experience the same happiness you experienced, I can never be truly happy. There is always an underlying tone of darkness. You left me with nothing and I am now trapped in the chasms of sadness, unable to free myself. Even when there is a lifeline, I am reluctant. Why? Because I am undeserving. I am undeserving because of your actions. Your faults.
The life you left behind for me was far too flawed to be developed into anything- anything good.
Now, I no longer yearn for what you yearned. I no longer become jealous or experience feelings of envy. I am no longer dissatisfied with life for all the wrong reasons.
Because, what I want is something money cannot buy.
And something I am unlikely to truly have, because of the burdens you left behind and force me to carry.
All I want…
Is that too much to ask?