Suffering from mental illnesses has changed my perspective of life.
From only wanting to please others, to keeping my mouth shut in fear. Feeling embarrassed when I never met society’s expectations. Never voicing my opinions and always agreeing with submission, regardless of how I felt. Those were the hallmarks of my former self. The person who I saw as weak, fragile and afraid. The person who in fact was more than weak, fragile and afraid.
Not all things were possible, and I realised this far too late in this life of mine. I was almost never pleased with myself, striving for happiness in areas and people that I simply would never be able to grasp. Craving for things that were far beyond my reach, and sulking in defeat when my desires were yet to be fulfilled. I sought satisfaction in physical things, sought acceptance in others, relished in the kind words of others, when ultimately I was missing the truth. All these feelings of love and praise I so desperately yearned for, needed to come from myself before coming from others. I myself needed to fuel the dwindling candle called life, rather than depending on others to fuel it for me.
Still to this day I question whether it was stupidity or oblivion that had caused me to be blinded and trapped in this chasm darkness for those three slow years of suffering. That had stopped me from seeing the purity in one’s self and how much happiness it could bring.
Healing the wounds of my soul have been hard, but not as hard as the pain I endured. The self-inflicted wounds that I blamed on others, when really, I should have blamed on myself. The me and wasn’t quite ‘me’.
Now, it’s as though someone has gifted me a fresh pair of eyes. Grinded my flaws to dust and polished my life to a clean slate. Given me a new foundation to build upon. Inevitably, there are still signs of minor wear present that I have slowly grown and adjusted to live with. Though despite this, everything is easier.
It has been hard to learn to love myself, but even baby steps are progress…I guess?
One day, I will open my eyes, feel the warm rays of sun kissing my skin, cleanse my soul with fresh air and be thankful that I am alive.
— An anonymous escape from life
Art by Marco Nabi