Journey of healing

Journey of healing.jpg

Suffering from mental illnesses has changed my perspective of life.

From only wanting to please others, to keeping my mouth shut in fear. Feeling embarrassed when I never met society’s expectations. Never voicing my opinions and always agreeing with submission, regardless of how I felt.  Those were the hallmarks of my former self. The person who I saw as weak, fragile and afraid. The person who in fact was more than weak, fragile and afraid.

Not all things were possible, and I realised this far too late in this life of mine. I was almost never pleased with myself, striving for happiness in areas and people that I simply would never be able to grasp. Craving for things that were far beyond my reach, and sulking in defeat when my desires were yet to be fulfilled. I sought satisfaction in physical things, sought acceptance in others, relished in the kind words of others, when ultimately I was missing the truth. All these feelings of love and praise I so desperately yearned for, needed to come from myself before coming from others. I myself needed to fuel the dwindling candle called life, rather than depending on others to fuel it for me.

Still to this day I question whether it was stupidity or oblivion that had caused me to be blinded and trapped in this chasm darkness for those three slow years of suffering. That had stopped me from seeing the purity in one’s self and how much happiness it could bring.

Healing the wounds of my soul have been hard, but not as hard as the pain I endured. The self-inflicted wounds that I blamed on others, when really, I should have blamed on myself. The me and wasn’t quite ‘me’.

Now, it’s as though someone has gifted me a fresh pair of eyes. Grinded my flaws to dust and polished my life to a clean slate. Given me a new foundation to build upon. Inevitably, there are still signs of minor wear present that I have slowly grown and adjusted to live with. Though despite this, everything is easier.

It has been hard to learn to love myself, but even baby steps are progress…I guess?

One day, I will open my eyes, feel the warm rays of sun kissing my skin, cleanse my soul with fresh air and be thankful that I am alive.

— An anonymous escape from life

***

Art by Marco Nabi 

8 thoughts on “Journey of healing

  1. iaminbologna says:

    Loved this! It’s refreshing to hear someone talk honestly about their struggles with self-love. I can relate to many of your experiences. Hope that it keeps getting better for you. Loved the quote too 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sammy says:

    How did you evolve into a stronger person? Did something in particular happen or it was just a gradual thing?
    I’m learning to accept my diagnosis as well. I got tired of being mad at myself every time my symptoms would show up. I can’t help it and it’s not my fault and it’s not my problem if other people don’t understand. That’s my mantra these days. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • happysky7311 says:

      Hmmm…mixture of both actually. After opening up to one of my close friends he was there to support me and overtime, I realised that I no longer relied on him as heavily as I did before. I think just being reassured that someone was by my side gave me the confidence to adopt a more positive mindset. I still do have my ‘off’ days, but not to the extent that I used to have.
      Glad to know that you’ve been making progress to! Hopefully the both of us will only continue to heal 😊

      Liked by 2 people

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