That crippling feeling / TW

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That crippling feeling,

when you’re happy one moment,

a trigger comes along,

and your in deep shit the next.

And you can’t control the flow of tears

as they cascade down your cheek,

as relentless as the voice in the back of your mind,

that says you are not good enough.

That says to go kill yourself

because you are no worth to anyone

in this world.

That says you are a leech

to all those you love so

tenderly and wholeheartedly.

And all the strength you had mustered over the years,

the torn fabric of your life that you

gruellingly sewed together–

fragment by fragment,

seam by seam,

thread by thread,

is torn apart in that single moment

where you lose all hope

and the devil within your soul

cries out in victory.

The only thing left for you to do

is cry in despair.

To let your spirit bleed

and eventually become parched

of all its goodness.

Of all its purity, clarity and genuity.

This is the cycle of my life.

Happiness one moment,

gone the next.

β€” An anonymous escape from lifeΒ 

***

Art by Shaza Wajjokh

***

Apologies for the rawness of this random piece of writing. A few days ago my Mum and sister got into an argument (over the most stupid thing ever in my opinion), and eavesdropping on their conversation whilst dealing with their harsh tone of voice triggered me. Amidst a fit of relentless tears I somehow typed this up on my tablet without really paying attention to what I was doing. After reading back over it a day later, I thought it would be interesting to show others what my mind wanders off too.

27 thoughts on “That crippling feeling / TW

  1. lookforyourrainbow says:

    Wow, great poem! I’ve never read something I relate to so much… I’ve never really talked about how I feel so it’s good to know I’m not alone

    Liked by 2 people

  2. lynneslinesblog says:

    Our minds can seem so in control sometimes. Fighting sucks and fighting with our families is extremely hard even if you just have to hear it. Your words are powerful. I to this day have to ‘monitor’ my thoughts at times so the don’t go to negative and hopeless when I am triggered. I appreciate the reminder, that I am not alone in this struggle. Some days are worse than others. Writing it out and taking care of myself really help combat my personal inner demons as I call them. Those voices that tell me of my worthlessness have no power when I am strong and healthy. If I let my mind wander my ego loves to gain control and tell me ‘stories’ of my uselessness. Stay strong! Thank you for this piece it has been a great reminder that I am not alone and I am on the right track….

    Liked by 1 person

  3. lovelyylibra says:

    Ohhhh my God this is me!!!! I feel like my happiness is so fragile. The smallest thing will push me over the edge then I’m back to being miserable and trying to call my friends who either don’t have time for me, think I need to just get over, figure I’m strong so I’ll figure it out, tell me I’m being ungrateful πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„

    Liked by 1 person

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