So I’ve finally found the courage to discuss a really bizarre habit of mine that I tend to do from time to time. While I’ve been pondering on this for years, I’ve never actually gone to the trouble to find out why I do it, and it’s only struck me today that I may have found the answer.
Basically, I role-play with myself in my room. Sometimes I pretend to unbox my albums, answer random questions like I’m doing a Q&A, or talk about objects in my room as if I’m a Youtuber and am doing a room tour. At night when I’m sleeping, I’ll often talk to my imaginary crush out loud, where I can hear his responses and reply. I’ll even be laughing and smiling and “stroking his hair.” When lying on my bed, I’ll imagine that I’ve gotten into some terrible accident or need a serious surgery, I’ll pretend I have a nasal cannula on, a pulse oximeter on my finger, drips in arms, and I’ll talk as if I’ve just woken from a coma, people are visiting me, or I’m saying my last words. Sometimes I’ll pretend that I’ve been abducted and beaten, and someone will save me. Or I’ll pretend that I’m a spy on a mission, fighting people and hurting myself in the process.
To sum it up, my strange habit is that I act out scenarios by myself in my own room. And it’s only occurred to me now that the reason why I do this is directly related to my mental health and lack of self-confidence. There are so many reasons, but I managed to whittle them down to about five.
I want attention (1), which is not necessarily a good thing. Sure, I get enough attention to last me throughout the day, but usually when I’m at my lowest I’ll sit in my room crying, wondering why no one has ever asked if I’m simply feeling okay or shown signs of concern for me. I feel as though I need to validate my worth to others, and want people to appreciate me for who I am. So that explains the fake Youtuber scenarios. Linking to that, I also want to feel cared for (2). I’ve known this my whole life, but never really acknowledged that it’s something that affects me every day. It’s really my fault actually, reason being that I feel devoid of care because I hide my own true emotions, and therefore seem completely fine on the outside. No one pays me any special attention because I look ‘normal’, when in fact I’m really battling demons inside. I expect people to be able to see past my façade, but of course that will never happen. Therefore, I put myself in pitiful situations i.e. in hospital, being abducted where people caring and being concerned for me is inevitable.
I lack the confidence to truly express myself (3), which accounts for so many things: not being able to do what I want to do, not being able to say what I want to say, not being able to act how I want to act etc. Often I’ll hold myself back because I’m afraid of the receiver’s reactions and whether they will judge me. I’ll avoid saying things that may sound strange or unusually “serious” when in fact that’s really just how I am. There have been so many times in life where I’ve wanted to stand up for someone, but simply don’t have the confidence to take that first step. I guess this accounts for me pretending to be a “spy” and saving people. Pretending that my crush is in front of me allows me to say everything I’ve been holding back, which mainly consists of confessing my feelings and how I feel about our friendship. It also gives me a chance to create the “perfect scenario” (4), where everything happens my way. I realise that when I do this kind of imaginary conversation, the person’s replies are always what I want to hear, not what would probably be said in reality. For the past few years, I’ve always dreamed of getting into that perfect relationship and eventually overcoming my insecurities. But of course, life is never perfect, and sometimes it’s a struggle to realise that. Hence, I feel as though creating the perfect imaginary conversation is a way to temporarily relieve myself of that struggle. It’s actually beneficial in a way, because it allows me to release stress by saying everything that’s on my heart. Often I end up in tears talking to myself.
I’m an overthinker (5), meaning that no matter the situation, I’ll always find flaws in the way I responded and immediately regret the tiniest things. Linking to creating the “perfect scenario,” overthinking causes me a lot of stress so much so that I often wish to travel back in time and change the way things. Hence, I’ll re-enact that very same situation, where I say what I want, and hear what I want.
Any opinions regarding what I’ve just discussed?
Until then, see you all next time 🙂
P.S. Starting from Wednesday 31st January, I’ll be posting once a week due to the new school year starting (rip my final year of school)