Strange habits

So I’ve finally found the courage to discuss a really bizarre habit of mine that I tend to do from time to time. While I’ve been pondering on this for years, I’ve never actually gone to the trouble to find out why I do it, and it’s only struck me today that I may have found the answer.

Basically, I role-play with myself in my room. Sometimes I pretend to unbox my albums, answer random questions like I’m doing a Q&A, or talk about objects in my room as if I’m a Youtuber and am doing a room tour. At night when I’m sleeping, I’ll often talk to my imaginary crush out loud, where I can hear his responses and reply. I’ll even be laughing and smiling and “stroking his hair.” When lying on my bed, I’ll imagine that I’ve gotten into some terrible accident or need a serious surgery, I’ll pretend I have a nasal cannula on, a pulse oximeter on my finger, drips in arms, and I’ll talk as if I’ve just woken from a coma, people are visiting me, or I’m saying my last words. Sometimes I’ll pretend that I’ve been abducted and beaten, and someone will save me. Or I’ll pretend that I’m a spy on a mission, fighting people and hurting myself in the process.

To sum it up, my strange habit is that I act out scenarios by myself in my own room. And it’s only occurred to me now that the reason why I do this is directly related to my mental health and lack of self-confidence. There are so many reasons, but I managed to whittle them down to about five.

I want attention (1), which is not necessarily a good thing. Sure, I get enough attention to last me throughout the day, but usually when I’m at my lowest I’ll sit in my room crying, wondering why no one has ever asked if I’m simply feeling okay or shown signs of concern for me. I feel as though I need to validate my worth to others, and want people to appreciate me for who I am. So that explains the fake Youtuber scenarios. Linking to that, I also want to feel cared for (2). I’ve known this my whole life, but never really acknowledged that it’s something that affects me every day. It’s really my fault actually, reason being that I feel devoid of care because I hide my own true emotions, and therefore seem completely fine on the outside. No one pays me any special attention because I look ‘normal’, when in fact I’m really battling demons inside. I expect people to be able to see past my façade, but of course that will never happen. Therefore, I put myself in pitiful situations i.e. in hospital, being abducted where people caring and being concerned for me is inevitable.

I lack the confidence to truly express myself (3), which accounts for so many things: not being able to do what I want to do, not being able to say what I want to say, not being able to act how I want to act etc. Often I’ll hold myself back because I’m afraid of the receiver’s reactions and whether they will judge me. I’ll avoid saying things that may sound strange or unusually “serious” when in fact that’s really just how I am. There have been so many times in life where I’ve wanted to stand up for someone, but simply don’t have the confidence to take that first step. I guess this accounts for me pretending to be a “spy” and saving people. Pretending that my crush is in front of me allows me to say everything I’ve been holding back, which mainly consists of confessing my feelings and how I feel about our friendship. It also gives me a chance to create the “perfect scenario” (4), where everything happens my way. I realise that when I do this kind of imaginary conversation, the person’s replies are always what I want to hear, not what would probably be said in reality. For the past few years, I’ve always dreamed of getting into that perfect relationship and eventually overcoming my insecurities. But of course, life is never perfect, and sometimes it’s a struggle to realise that. Hence, I feel as though creating the perfect imaginary conversation is a way to temporarily relieve myself of that struggle. It’s actually beneficial in a way, because it allows me to release stress by saying everything that’s on my heart. Often I end up in tears talking to myself.

I’m an overthinker (5), meaning that no matter the situation, I’ll always find flaws in the way I responded and immediately regret the tiniest things. Linking to creating the “perfect scenario,” overthinking causes me a lot of stress so much so that I often wish to travel back in time and change the way things. Hence, I’ll re-enact that very same situation, where I say what I want, and hear what I want.

Any opinions regarding what I’ve just discussed?

Until then, see you all next time 🙂

~Abbey ❤

P.S. Starting from Wednesday 31st January, I’ll be posting once a week due to the new school year starting (rip my final year of school)

 

 

 

 

 

38 thoughts on “Strange habits

  1. Ankit Thapa says:

    Hey, you are not the only one. The things I do when I’m on my own are pretty strange. Lemme try adding some. One of them is living in a fantasy world. Role play eh?? I do that very often, when I’m alone with my guitar, l find myself performing live on a stage with thousands of attendants. When life gets out of control I play this role of a superhero, where I just love to beat the hell out of the bad guys. I could go on and on with my list. It may be different and strange but it really makes me happy so I’m okay with that. I guess its my anonymous escape from life, lols.
    When it comes to overthinking, I have a master’s degree. Always making things worse as if bad wasn’t good enough.
    Thank you for sharing this. Man it felt so good putting my thoughts here.

    Liked by 6 people

  2. Revenge of Eve says:

    This is interesting especially how you were able to relate the oddness of your imaginary life to the reality of your life. This is a great self assessment. I’m intrigued by this post as I do some of the same things when alone, different scenarios, different people.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. cariboucrossingsak says:

    Those are all valid wants and needs and sometimes we just need to have a safe place to live in a fantasy for a while. The key being: for a while. It can’t be permanent BUT does help work through some issues. Don’t feel weird or odd. Many people live in fantasy whether just in thought or through role-playing or writing or what have you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. jankirton says:

    I was helped significantly by the book ” Search for Significance” by Robert S McGee. It takes you on a truly introspective journey toward discovering yourself and desires. I pray that you will find peace and joy, true gifts of the Spirit.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. bethanyk says:

    Oh crap now you have me pondering myself !!!!!!! Why do I talk to all the animals in my pictures that I post as if they are my true friends, only friends, and I tell them everything! Why do I have this monologue with the birds and horses and donkeys. Why do I also come up with fake conversations I think the birds are having in the sky.
    I really related to your post and I am glad you wrote it.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Amal Suresh says:

    Abbey, first of all its gr8 that yu know whts goin on with yu. Self knowledge is the best knowledge.. Every1 goes through smthng or the other, but most of the times many of them r unaware of whats actually happening. But yu do. So, dats a gud thing in itself. Nw, all yu gotta do is find out the answer for all the whys. Yu do dat, yu get one step closer to bettering yuaself.
    Cheers.✌

    Liked by 1 person

  7. crimetimemeekah says:

    I do this too!! I even do it in different accents. And I get so carried away that most of the time I have no idea what scenario I’m even playing out, I make up all sorts of things and I always worry that someone will hear me. But I’ve decided it’s because I’m creative. Actor’s do it when rehearsing, I’m just rehearsing for life. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. pranabymia says:

    I found myself doing this too and I realised it’s because of my auxillary function of my personality type, INFJ. My auxillary or 2nd preference is extroverted feeling, where I need to talk out loud how I feel and has now incorporated with myself having conversations to myself in order to process my thinking. If you have not done it before, do the http://www.16personalities.com test, then go to personalityjunkie.com for a deeper explanation. For me, it gave me a massive insight and actually gave me some sort of guidance to better my self esteem and acceptance.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. devanganabose says:

    Hey! I don’t think I do this myself ‘consciously’, but i can totally understand your crazy habit because sometimes you just need that outlet and a means to cope with reality by conjuring up a world of your own. It feels good and you often don’t even actually realize how much it can help you cope with the mundane and difficult situations in life. Am I right?

    Liked by 2 people

  10. niniannijhuis says:

    I do exactly this too haha. And here I’m always thinking I’m to only one. I’m happy I found your blog. Reading your process of self discovery is liberating and refreshing, since I use writing for this too. Keep sharing your beautiful thoughts (:

    Liked by 1 person

  11. A Wondering Wanderer says:

    Firstly, I must say you’ve shown an amazing level of self-awareness, that’s rarely seen in people, let alone in someone so young! So, congratulations! I think being self-aware is one of the most important tools that we need to make it through life. I also admire your courage and honesty in expressing yourself. An introvert myself, I think I understand the effort that must’ve taken.

    I feel the 5 reasons you’ve listed affect me too, at different times, in different ways. And I think it all boils down to my nature. Not being very outgoing or socially connected, I think I crave some sort of a “connection”, and your 5 points are an expression of the same – the desire to find that connection (1 and 2), how to act if that connection is indeed found (3 and 4) so that it develops into a stronger one, and all the thoughts in between (5) like doubts, fears, hopes, etc.

    Again, very nice post and I hope to read more such insightful posts from you in the future too! Take care! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. howikilledbetty says:

    I’m completely with you! If it’s any consolation, I think there are a lot of us that do exactly that. We create situations and play them out. We control the start, middle and ending. It’s like the perfect story. I’m glad I’m not alone! 🌼🌼🌼

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Simply Hannah says:

    I love this post! I admire your confidence in sharing your thoughts and feelings. Before reading this post I felt like I was the only one who had these type of habits and tried numerous times to research why I do such things. Your post has helped me (and looks like many others) feel like we’re not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

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