I’ve accepted the need to be selfish in order to survive

zipcy art.png

When I first loved you, I allowed you to be who you wanted to be. I didn’t expect apologies whenever you made mistakes. I didn’t set rules to our relationship. I allowed your playful tongue to be used on me, even if it was offensive. I allowed you to throw me away when I was of no use. I allowed you to push my boundaries. I allowed you to leave me on read. I allowed you to make decisions that hindered my own. I never refused any of your behaviour. I wanted you to be happy, and I thought by granting you freedom, your happiness would soon become my happiness.

But instead of feeling happy, I tore myself apart.

Night after night I would sit alone crying. Crying over a heart unintentionally broken by you. Crying over your carelessness. Crying over your judgements. Crying over what you would perceive as spilt milk.

The thing is, you never knew anything. You never knew how many of your harsh words hit home, how many of your jokes actually crushed me. I already had so many weights pulling me down and I didn’t need another. But still, you kept on piling. While you were sighing in relief I was sinking into the depths of the ocean. While you were basking on the sandbanks I was flailing among the waves, struggling to breathe. While your heart was full my heart was shattered into irreparable fragments. Your happiness soon became my sorrow.

I wished for us but now, I think it can only be you and I.

Just because we have years of friendship between us, it doesn’t mean you can toy around with me. I doesn’t grant you special privileges. It doesn’t mean I’ll forgive you any easier than someone whom I merely acquainted with. It doesn’t mean you’re utter perfection in my eyes. I’m not exclusive and my fragility is still the same as it was on our first days. I still get hurt. I still lack confidence. I still have trouble loving myself. I always put you first and showered you in love until I had none left for myself. And what did you do? You took it for granted and threw me under a bus.

It’s taken me far too long to realise that I need to be selfish in order to survive. I’m sick and tired of walking down paths that turn out to be dead-ends. I’m sick of hiding my emotions in order to grant you happiness. I need to take control of the heart I neglected all these years. The heart that I neglected in order to please you.

So the next time we meet, don’t be shocked at the change. Don’t be shocked when I lash out or insult you. Don’t be surprised that I’m challenging your beliefs. Don’t be surprised when I insist on negotiating. I’m still the same person you met all those years ago. You just thought I’d changed.

I still love you, whether it be platonic or romantic, but please know that I’m doing this in order to survive.

***

Art by @zipcy (Instagram)

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16 thoughts on “I’ve accepted the need to be selfish in order to survive

  1. Megha's World says:

    This one spoke to me in many ways. It’s so surprising when people your trust and love so much take you for granted and ignore you completely. Yes, it justified for them to get the taste of their own medicine..It’s better to be alone than to be around fake friends.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. girlalert says:

    I an struggling with this as well. I don’t think you understand on how many levels I relate to you. I am holding onto it I know it but every now and then I get a little from her so I have hope for our friendship so I hang on I am just not ready to move on yet. And no matter how many times people tell me you need to be ready for it because otherwise you fall apart. I hope you are okay though this must have taken a lot out of you to write it xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

      • girlalert says:

        No worries I know that despite how much I try to push people away in these times I need them more than ever because when you are alone your thoughts can get too crazy and you feel lonely and out of it and like you are worthless. It’s just nice to have some support. so I am here for you if you need me xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Junieper says:

    It is never okay to allow others to abuse you, put you down or demean you. Not only is it okay to survive, but it is okay to thrive. That is not selfish, but a deep need we all have. It seems, for you to thrive, you need to leave this relationship – completely and physically remove yourself. If you need help, do it together with a friend who is saying the same thing as I, to get out. You deserve to be happy and free, and live among people who build you up, instead tearing you down.

    Liked by 1 person

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