It’s been just a week since I properly updated and already there’s been a rollercoaster of emotions.
Let’s just say I started the new school year off on the wrong foot. I failed my first two assessments (which were OF COURSE CHEMISTRY AND MATHS) but the great news is that I’ve finally dropped maths for good! Using that failed assessment as a confirmation that I should drop the course, I swapped to private study which is basically a free period where you can do whatever you want, as long as it’s classified as “study”. Honestly it’s such a huge relief not having to waste my time on a subject that I knew I’d never succeed in. The career advisor was a little skeptical because maths is mandatory for quite a few university courses, but I couldn’t care less as I’m intending to do music in the future 🙂
In regards to mental health, the first three weeks of school were fine. Purely because of one simple reason— Mitch didn’t attend school. He’d injured himself while playing tennis and out of 21 school days he showed up for around 3, which was of course a huge setback for him. But I have to admit, him not being there made things so much easier. I was no longer reminded of those debilitating thoughts and could actually enjoy life. But last week he came back, and instantly things have gone pear-shaped.
For some reason I’ve suddenly become so sensitive— I feel as though it’s gotten worse since last year, probably from all the build-up over the holidays. I’ve subconsciously become aware of so many tiny things, and anything and EVERYTHING is starting to trigger me. Whenever I see Mitch, I can’t help but feel upset, partly because he doesn’t reciprocate my feelings, and partly because I miss how we were in the past. I’ve become sensitive to our conversation topics and have realised that they’re always school/homework-based. Other than that, he’s not interested in talking to me AT ALL and he’ll always reply texts with either one word, a short sentence, or not reply at all. He’s always leaving me on read, yet gets angry whenever my friend (whom he’s been fond of for the past few years) does the same to him. He never starts conversations with me unless they’re school-related, but I’ll always see him online talking to others. Somehow my mind will always twist whatever he says into an offensive statement, but truth to be told, he is very harsh with his words. He’s not as playful as he was in the past, but is always joking around to everyone but me. It’s as if we aren’t friends of 8 years and he’s completely thrown me aside like I’m some average classmate he met a few years ago.
Mitch did end up asking me to the school ball, but I’m not happy at all. In fact, I’m actually very anxious. Part of me can’t help but think he did that just for my sake, and not genuinely. My friend whom he’s been fond of would have of course been his first choice, and I can’t help but get bothered by this. It’s as if he only offered to go with me because she found someone else and he was left with no choice. As soon as this happened, he immediately went and told my friend like it was some great news. It makes me question, why is he never first to text me in anything? She has all the attention I so desperately yearn for. Just a few hours ago I sent him a picture of my ball dress and he replied by asking who the model was, as if SOMEHOW that caught his eye more than the dress 😑 —not even a compliment or comment. That conversation lasted for about 30 seconds until I got fed up with him and didn’t reply. Last week, he even mentioned that if the ball table seating doesn’t go all to plan (apparently his friend’s table is full), he’ll probably pull up a chair and sit somewhere else once the formalities are over. But aren’t you supposed to stay with your partner for the majority of the night? Why is he so quick and eager to leave me?
When he came back to school last week, I spent the whole week avoiding him. I’d avoid eye contact, barely text him, and observe him from afar. Yes, it sounds very stalkish but I had my intentions. Half of it was because I truly needed to clear my thoughts, the other half was to see if he’d take any action to ask if things were okay, or at least make an effort to sort things out. HE DID NOTHING. He acted as if I didn’t exist.
I don’t know if it’s just me and my insanely strong conscience, but whenever I have these bouts of moodiness and sensitiveness, I feel very guilty. I feel as though I’m such a nuisance to deal with, and my emotional instability puts people off. I feel as though I should be able to control my emotions and it’s my fault that I can’t. I feel as though my expectations are way too high for people to be able to fufill. I begin to imagine that if I was someone else meeting “me”, I wouldn’t want to be friends with myself.
Right now I feel so numb and overwhelmed.
Is he toxic, or am I just sensitive?