Is he toxic, or am I just sensitive?

It’s been just a week since I properly updated and already there’s been a rollercoaster of emotions.

Let’s just say I started the new school year off on the wrong foot. I failed my first two assessments (which were OF COURSE CHEMISTRY AND MATHS) but the great news is that I’ve finally dropped maths for good! Using that failed assessment as a confirmation that I should drop the course, I swapped to private study which is basically a free period where you can do whatever you want, as long as it’s classified as “study”. Honestly it’s such a huge relief not having to waste my time on a subject that I knew I’d never succeed in. The career advisor was a little skeptical because maths is mandatory for quite a few university courses, but I couldn’t care less as I’m intending to do music in the future 🙂

In regards to mental health, the first three weeks of school were fine. Purely because of one simple reason— Mitch didn’t attend school. He’d injured himself while playing tennis and out of 21 school days he showed up for around 3, which was of course a huge setback for him. But I have to admit, him not being there made things so much easier. I was no longer reminded of those debilitating thoughts and could actually enjoy life. But last week he came back, and instantly things have gone pear-shaped.

For some reason I’ve suddenly become so sensitive— I feel as though it’s gotten worse since last year, probably from all the build-up over the holidays. I’ve subconsciously become aware of so many tiny things, and anything and EVERYTHING is starting to trigger me. Whenever I see Mitch, I can’t help but feel upset, partly because he doesn’t reciprocate my feelings, and partly because I miss how we were in the past. I’ve become sensitive to our conversation topics and have realised that they’re always school/homework-based. Other than that, he’s not interested in talking to me AT ALL and he’ll always reply texts with either one word, a short sentence, or not reply at all. He’s always leaving me on read, yet gets angry whenever my friend (whom he’s been fond of for the past few years) does the same to him. He never starts conversations with me unless they’re school-related, but I’ll always see him online talking to others. Somehow my mind will always twist whatever he says into an offensive statement, but truth to be told, he is very harsh with his words. He’s not as playful as he was in the past, but is always joking around to everyone but me. It’s as if we aren’t friends of 8 years and he’s completely thrown me aside like I’m some average classmate he met a few years ago.

Mitch did end up asking me to the school ball, but I’m not happy at all. In fact, I’m actually very anxious. Part of me can’t help but think he did that just for my sake, and not genuinely. My friend whom he’s been fond of would have of course been his first choice, and I can’t help but get bothered by this. It’s as if he only offered to go with me because she found someone else and he was left with no choice. As soon as this happened, he immediately went and told my friend like it was some great news. It makes me question, why is he never first to text me in anything? She has all the attention I so desperately yearn for. Just a few hours ago I sent him a picture of my ball dress and he replied by asking who the model was, as if SOMEHOW that caught his eye more than the dress 😑 —not even a compliment or comment. That conversation lasted for about 30 seconds until I got fed up with him and didn’t reply. Last week, he even mentioned that if the ball table seating doesn’t go all to plan (apparently his friend’s table is full), he’ll probably pull up a chair and sit somewhere else once the formalities are over. But aren’t you supposed to stay with your partner for the majority of the night? Why is he so quick and eager to leave me?

When he came back to school last week, I spent the whole week avoiding him. I’d avoid eye contact, barely text him, and observe him from afar. Yes, it sounds very stalkish but I had my intentions. Half of it was because I truly needed to clear my thoughts, the other half  was to see if he’d take any action to ask if things were okay, or at least make an effort to sort things out. HE DID NOTHING. He acted as if I didn’t exist.

I don’t know if it’s just me and my insanely strong conscience, but whenever I have these bouts of moodiness and sensitiveness, I feel very guilty. I feel as though I’m such a nuisance to deal with, and my emotional instability puts people off. I feel as though I should be able to control my emotions and it’s my fault that I can’t. I feel as though my expectations are way too high for people to be able to fufill. I begin to imagine that if I was someone else meeting “me”, I wouldn’t want to be friends with myself.

Right now I feel so numb and overwhelmed.

Is he toxic, or am I just sensitive?

~Abbey

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21 thoughts on “Is he toxic, or am I just sensitive?

  1. jazzedout says:

    Hey there! You are such an amazing person and don’t ever forget that :).
    I don’t think you’re being sensitive. It sounds like Mitch is being inconsiderate. From what you’ve said, this is certainly not the way to treat someone, especially someone you have history with. It sounds like his actions (or lack of) have kind of come on recently?

    In any situation. I would not allow him to determine your worth. If he’s not initiating text messages, don’t wait for him and go do other things that make YOU happy.

    Best of luck with school for you. I know it’s rough. Hang in there!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Shabri says:

    He is toxic… Babe u deserve all the happiness this world had to offer. U are a queen and if anyone in this world makes u not feel like one, then they are not the right ones for you. Love yourself first ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. mylastrequest says:

    He’s toxic. The best thing to do would be to cut him out of your life completely, though I know how hard that can be and especially if you have to see him at school every day, that’s really tough. But if you stop texting him, stop talking to him, and if he tries to text you or talk to you, leave him on read or end the conversation, then you’ll have the power – you’ll feel better because you’re the one in control and his actions (or lackthereof) will stop affecting you so much. I know I don’t know the whole situation but in my opinion, from what you’ve said, I think you need to forget about him and move on. I’ve been in a similar situation though not with such a long friendship history) and as soon as I let him go and stopped trying to be friends, I felt much better and in control of my emotions again. And the fact that you felt much better when he wasn’t around shows that you will probably feel better all the time if you just cut him out of your life and stop thinking about him completely.

    That’s just my opinion, but whatever you do I hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Jay-lyn Doerksen says:

    You use the word sensitive as though it is a bad thing. Sensitivity means you feel things deeply. You are more aware of your thoughts and feelings. How your words and actions affect others. In regards to Mitch, my advice, solely based on this post is to let him go. He seems to set you off and given that you found happiness and calm while he was gone last month. He seems to be mean. You are a beautiful young woman with a talent for words and for letting your emotions flow across the page. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Luftmentsch says:

    I don’t really know what to say, as I’m the last person to ask about relationships and crushes and I’ve never been to a school ball (thankfully), but I don’t think you should beat yourself up for your emotions. What you feel is real and you should acknowledge that. What you do with it is your decision.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. ELLE says:

    Nothing wrong with sensitivity! If feeling “too much” is your downfall, it’s infinitely better than feeling “too little”. In this sense, I don’t think you’re being sensitive, and maybe he is being unfair. Always enter arguments with, “what do I plan to gain from this?” or conversely, “do we need to really have this discussion?” and it really saves you from those little fights. Baby steps!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ashes says:

    I can relate to so much of what you’ve written, and so beautifully might I add! I’ve felt the same way, still do sometimes, and people have made me feel like my sensitivity is a bad thing, that I am the one who’s at fault for feeling so much, but I’ve learned that my feelings are justified and people always manage to make me feel like I’m in the wrong. I’m finally learning that that’s not how things are. I hope you get there too. Feeling things is so human and I wish thatt being sensitive wasn’t publicized as being a bad thing. Mitch seems like someone who can’t appreciate what’s in front of him, and that’s nothing to do with you and who you are as a person. I hope he stops making you feel like you need to be someone you’re not just to get his attention. You seem like a really lovely person, someone I’d really love to be friends with and talk to often about anything and everything.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Lauren says:

    Both. He is not treating you fair by any means, but you are also allowing this behavior. Cut off all ties & ditch him as a prom date. You’ll have more fun without him. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

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