To be in denial of love

#12 Inner peace_ Listen to music.jpg

You’re reading this because there have been feelings lingering in the back of your mind for days, weeks or even years. You’re reading this because they are cramming up your head, and you’re unable to think clearly.

You’re reading this because you feel lost, unable to answer the questions your heart is asking.

You’re reading this because you’ve been pushing those feelings away, only for them to resurface and drown you once more.

Please, do yourself a favour and don’t be in denial of your feelings any longer.

You can listen to the happiest of songs and binge-eat the heartiest of foods to distract yourself. You can only write poems of healing, convincing yourself that you are handling things just fine. You may scribble your feelings on paper one moment and burn them the next. After all, things in the past stay in the past.

This however, isn’t the past. Once you are alone, surrounded by those familiar four walls, these feelings will wash over you in endless waves, pulling you closer and closer to oblivion. To fight back is painful. To fight back is running through quicksand. To fight back is to push against the weights knowing that you’ll only end up with shattered arms.

I’m telling you based on my own experiences, it’s not good for you. None of this is.

When I denied my feelings, I tried to act normal. I tried to convince myself that I was feeling normal. I would try to carry normal conversations, evading any mentions of that one person whose feelings I was denying. I would smile at that person, heedless of the pain arousing inside me. I would interact with them like they were any other person I knew. I treated them as how I would treat anybody else when in fact I’d be subconsciously stopping myself from hugging them, stroking their hair, and holding their hand.

Instead of the feelings disappearing, they’d only come back stronger than ever. They had become my impending doom. Become my reason to panic whenever I saw that person, only to push those thoughts aside and mask them with a smile. Become my reason to wake up crying with throbbing headaches. There was a whole lot of mental bloodshed going on between my heart and head. An endless war of what ifs, buts and perhaps.

That was when I learnt to avoid them no longer and accept things for what they were. I stopped worrying about the unanswered questions, the conflicting thoughts, the demeaning rubbish my own brain would voice. I’d write poems of heartbreak, sadness, and all in between. Rather than fighting against the insomnia I’d lie and stare at the ceiling, simply just feeling. I’d listen to ballads and sad instrumental music. I’d reread old texts and indulge myself thinking back on the cute moments we had together. For once in my life, I felt free. Yes, I’d still cry from time to time, but not because I was confused. I’d cry because I realised that I in fact loved that person so deeply, yet couldn’t show any of it.

So to the person reading this, don’t be in denial any longer. I know that there will be so many reasons as to why you’d do  so, and I understand. Perhaps you’re scared, or you’re afraid of feeling vulnerable, just like I was. But I guarantee that as soon as you accept and acknowledge your feelings, things will begin to feel better, even if just a little.

***

Artwork by 욘욘 (Grafolio)

13 thoughts on “To be in denial of love

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s