Hi all 🙂
Well, it’s been a heck of a long time since I last updated on myself (over a month!) and I do apologise for it. While the pre-drafted posts have been published weekly, I’ve been rather busy to update or write up new drafts. Since my last update “Emotional rollercoasters (I survived!)” I have….
- Completed my Grade 8 Violin exam receiving an A!!! 😀
- Completed my Grade 4 Theory of Music exam, which I did…pretty well in…
- Taken part in playing violin for my church Easter Camp program
- Shed tears over my viola practical assessment mark (which I have taken to one of the head music teachers because it was a ridiculously unjustified result)
- Entered the 2018 John Marsden + Hatchette Australia Prize in the poetry category (I doubt I’ll be shortlisted though)
- Been cramming study + completing assignments that were given before the end of term
- Been on school holidays two weeks, and returned to school last week
To continue off the ongoing conflict between Mitch and I, we’ve been having minimal interactions over the last month. I’ve stopped texting him completely, and even at school we barely talk. In all honesty, I’m a bit upset at myself for how things have panned out, and with me being extremely self-conscious and sensitive, I feel as though everything that happened was my fault. Then again, thinking in a more mature mindset, I do realise that a lot of what has occurred was due to our differences, whether than be in our values, attitudes or beliefs (not meaning to sound like an English teacher, but that is actually the case).
Just last week, he texted me to ask what was going on. Obviously it meant that he’d noticed the difference in my behaviour towards him. I was honest, saying that I’m no longer comfortable around him and feel as though I have nothing to say, and he was pretty alright with it. Except, one thing he said was that he “understood that I’ve changed”. This struck me by surprise, because for as long as I can remember (and have expressed in previous blog posts), HE was the one that changed, not me. Maybe I’ve changed too– I really don’t know, but at this stage none of that makes a difference.
I’ve been under quite a bit of stress recently, with exams coming up and my music recital next week. The most frustrating thing is having an “assessment-free week” prior to our exams, and hence the teachers think that they can cram all last-minute assessments in the week BEFORE that, which is exactly what I’m going through now. In total, I have seven assessments this week, four of which are all in one day. I’ve been losing a lot of sleep and haven’t been in the best headspace these couple of days with a few mental breakdowns…as if my sanity was a spool of thread and I can feel myself slowwllllyyy unravelling. It’s definitely not fun, but I’m alright at the moment.
Last Monday my best friend told me that her Mum was diagnosed with cancer, and is returning to Korea for treatment. I had no idea what to say, and I felt completely useless not being able to help her in a more direct manner. I know that a lot of the time, people’s advice when it comes to situations like this is to just “be there” for that person, but I can’t help but feel guilty that I’m happy and well, whilst she is going through so much pain. To make matters worse, another good friend of mine told me that her twin (who I’m also friends with) has leukaemia. I can tell that she’s putting on a brave face and inside, is really struggling. I don’t even know how to describe my emotions after hearing from these two friends…on consecutive days too. Having this news broken to me + my stress from study + upcoming assessments is really playing around with my head. I don’t know why, but at times like this when everything is spiralling out of control, I feel as though I’m expecting something BAD to happen to myself. This anxiety is constantly gnawing at the back of mind and it’s certainly not pleasant at all. 😔
Apart from the pre-drafted posts, I’ll be inactive over the next few weeks. Thank you all so much for your endless support and I’ll see you in my next post!
Best wishes to you all xxx