This gnawing anxiety

Hi all 🙂

Well, it’s been a heck of a long time since I last updated on myself (over a month!) and I do apologise for it. While the pre-drafted posts have been published weekly, I’ve been rather busy to update or write up new drafts. Since my last update “Emotional rollercoasters (I survived!)” I have….

  • Completed my Grade 8 Violin exam receiving an A!!! 😀
  • Completed my Grade 4 Theory of Music exam,  which I did…pretty well in…
  • Taken part in playing violin for my church Easter Camp program
  • Shed tears over my viola practical assessment mark (which I have taken to one of the head music teachers because it was a ridiculously unjustified result)
  • Entered the 2018 John Marsden + Hatchette Australia Prize in the poetry category (I doubt I’ll be shortlisted though)
  • Been cramming study + completing assignments that were given before the end of term
  • Been on school holidays two weeks, and returned to school last week

To continue off the ongoing conflict between Mitch and I, we’ve been having minimal interactions over the last month. I’ve stopped texting him completely, and even at school we barely talk. In all honesty, I’m a bit upset at myself for how things have panned out, and with me being extremely self-conscious and sensitive, I feel as though everything that happened was my fault. Then again, thinking in a more mature mindset, I do realise that a lot of what has occurred was due to our differences, whether than be in our values, attitudes or beliefs (not meaning to sound like an English teacher, but that is actually the case).

Just last week, he texted me to ask what was going on. Obviously it meant that he’d noticed the difference in my behaviour towards him. I was honest, saying that I’m no longer comfortable around him and feel as though I have nothing to say, and he was pretty alright with it. Except, one thing he said was that he “understood that I’ve changed”. This struck me by surprise, because for as long as I can remember (and have expressed in previous blog posts), HE was the one that changed, not me. Maybe I’ve changed too– I really don’t know, but at this stage none of that makes a difference.

I’ve been under quite a bit of stress recently, with exams coming up and my music recital next week. The most frustrating thing is having an “assessment-free week” prior to our exams, and hence the teachers think that they can cram all last-minute assessments in the week BEFORE that, which is exactly what I’m going through now. In total, I have seven assessments this week, four of which are all in one day. I’ve been losing a lot of sleep and haven’t been in the best headspace these couple of days with a few mental breakdowns…as if my sanity was a spool of thread and I can feel myself slowwllllyyy unravelling. It’s definitely not fun, but I’m alright at the moment.

Last Monday my best friend told me that her Mum was diagnosed with cancer, and is returning to Korea for treatment. I had no idea what to say, and I felt completely useless not being able to help her in a more direct manner. I know that a lot of the time, people’s advice when it comes to situations like this is to just “be there” for that person, but I can’t help but feel guilty that I’m happy and well, whilst she is going through so much pain. To make matters worse, another good friend of mine told me that her twin (who I’m also friends with) has leukaemia. I can tell that she’s putting on a brave face and inside, is really struggling.  I don’t even know how to describe my emotions after hearing from these two friends…on consecutive days too. Having this news broken to me + my stress from study + upcoming assessments is really playing around with my head. I don’t know why, but at times like this when everything is spiralling out of control, I feel as though I’m expecting something BAD to happen to myself. This anxiety is constantly gnawing at the back of mind and it’s certainly not pleasant at all. 😔

Apart from the pre-drafted posts, I’ll be inactive over the next few weeks. Thank you all so much for your endless support and I’ll see you in my next post!

Best wishes to you all xxx

~Abbey

 

 

 

 

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9 thoughts on “This gnawing anxiety

  1. Luftmentsch says:

    Thanks for updating us. I’m sorry that you’re still going through a stressful time. Congratulations on the music exam results.

    I don’t think you should feel guilty because other people are struggling. There have been times when you’ve been struggling and other people have been fine. That’s just life. I think, as you say, you just need to be there for your friends when they need you. Don’t feel guilty about being in a better place than they are. If it helps, tell yourself that you’re in a better place so that you can be there for them.

    I know the feeling of waiting for something bad to happen. It’s horrible. Do you have any coping strategies for anxiety?

    Good luck with the forthcoming assessments and exams!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. insomniacsare4real says:

    Hello Abbey, Sounds like you have a good life, and a great amount of talent. You have empathy for friends, and part of life is the eventual sickness or passing of the people int your life, or their loved ones. I hope the cancer and leukemia found are in early stages and are treatable. That’s one possible thing we can say to our friends. Or we ask them “what can I do?” as a generous offer of help. Having gone through a protracted sickness and weakening of my mother, she succumbed to a stroke and died. She was very old, and very tired, many times in her well periods saying that she was ready for the next life, which we all had to accept.

    I’m at the stage in life (read age) where my friends are dealing with loss of parents, and they tell me about how awful it can be to find care at home, to deal with Alzheimer’s, or painful therapies, and I’ve found that few take me up on the offers I make with great sincerity “let me help watch your dad while you take a break,” or “let me come spend time with you and your Mom by making dinner for you.” Those extended offers required thought, timing, and some luck because sometimes the sick don’t want to be around guests for whom they must put on their Happy facade, or at times people have said “I’m so glad to share a meal with someone, you’ve distracted me from my own cycle of decline.” You’ll find the right thing to do for your friends, and if I had a talented friend like you, I’d beg you to come play for me after a dinner together—I really enjoy music.

    Sending positive wishes for you and your friends, along with their families in need of some good health,

    Liked by 1 person

  3. artfromperry says:

    “Straight from the Bible, there’s only one way to handle any and all of life, and that is one day at a time. And in instances where this is not possible, it is always possible to handle life, one moment at a time. In any given moment when you are concerned about the entire world, do what you are doing in the moment, as long as it is creative, constructive – not destructive, and as long as it doesn’t harm you or another individual. Heck, take time to watch the birds and really listen to God’s first music … And it is SO cool that you are studying music. Sometimes music is a healer that no doc can supply to anyone. Peace on your journey, wherever you are heading” – artfromperry

    Liked by 2 people

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