Internal battle

heart padlock.jpg

I hate that I’ve been wearing a facade for as long as I can remember. I hate that I’ve hidden my emotions. I hate that I’ve faked happiness, laughed the tears away, thrown myself aside for others. Why, you may ask? Call me selfish, but now that I’m genuinely loved by someone, genuinely cared for and accepted, I can’t give the same in return. I physically cannot. I’m so used to stowing away the tear-drenched nights and unbearable pain in little boxes to be pushed under my bed, gathering dust. And I can’t retrieve them. I can’t express myself. Not even the good. My mind has accustomed itself to push away any old feelings that even love is pushed aside. I can’t let the simplest of words out. I can’t pick the locks on those dusty chests. And I can’t set myself free.

Sometimes, I feel as though locking myself into one of those ragged boxes and stowing myself away for good would be the best choice. Off the face of this earth. Would things be better then? Would things be easier?

All I want is to love you the way you love me, but I am physically incapable of doing so.

34 thoughts on “Internal battle

  1. Lady Lazarus says:

    You will get there in your own time. It’s so hard to thaw a frozen heart when it’s been frozen, packed in dry ice, locked in a metal box that’s been frozen, with a lock on it that’s been frozen. Don’t beat yourself up for not loving someone the same in the amount of time it took them to love you. The fact that you want to shows more caring than you even know.

    Love, trust, and time will thaw. Be patient with yourself and enjoy the ride πŸ’œ

    Liked by 4 people

  2. scarlettcat says:

    Persona in the word personality means mask. We put on a space suit, as someone said, to deal with reality. Everyone does it so don’t feel guilty. Buddhism says that there is not a self. The modular theory of the mind supports this idea. I wish you feel better soon.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. LeeSoyer says:

    Please don’t be too hard on yourself because you cannot show the amount of love that someone shows you back because you have a difficult journey to walk and being concerned by this shows that you are a caring person.
    I think you need to be patient and think that you’ll always do the best you can and God will eventually reward you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Zeno The Stoic says:

    The world is not an easy place and if there ever was a creator he or she is or was not a benevolent one but some malign and cruel experimenter.

    I do think sharing experience can be helpful, cathartic. I am not sure we currently have any “answer” to maladies of the soul other than to keep on trying.

    I have one friend who refuses to take any pills for his melancholy even though they help him – he insists his life thereby becomes less “real”.

    A strange attitude in my view. I’m all for the abolition of suffering and believe it will only come about through science and medicine.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. insomniacsare4real says:

    What pain you have expressed. I hope that you have an outlet like exercise or some physical activity to allow you to vent. Many of us have been emotionally unavailable to someone who has tried to give us their love and attention. I hope you can be open with your feelings and share them. If your lover hears these words from you and offers acceptance, then perhaps in time you can trust again, and reciprocate the love you’ve received.

    Someone once told me to give love even to those who are hardest to love because they need it the most. Sending you wishes for a breakthrough.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Kebrasworld says:

    I know its not easy love I feel the same I can’t seem to love anyone not even myself but I put a lot of faith in God it helps to show him love then love starts pouring out people say you can’t love if you don’t love yourself that is my issue I don’t love me, I’m trying I struggle to love myself I seem to feel blah so I do my best to have faith in god he helps you love yourself and other you pray and and believe you will receive hope you fell better, God bless you

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Sophia Ismaa Writes says:

    I’m so sorry to hear you are feeling this way… please don’t throw your life away, please don’t throw yourself away. I can’t offer any advice, not really but I will say you are capable of loving. The way you are speaking about this person feels like you do love him. Keep going on… those walls will come down. If you can, grab a hammer and take β€˜em down. It will feel amazing.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. indigoturtlesmusings says:

    I do this so often, I put other people first and box up my own emotions so that I don’t know how to express them when someone who actually cares takes the time to ask. I became so used to having to be strong and pretend like everything was okay so that people didn’t see I was broken inside. Through counselling I have started to open up a bit more and deal with my emotions. I want to find love as well and I believe that it is out there for all of us, even if it takes longer for some. I’m sorry for the ramble, I just wanted to reassure you that you aren’t alone. You will get there eventually πŸ‘πŸ˜Š

    Liked by 1 person

  9. thereluctantpoet says:

    Wonderful post! The answers are – No things wouldn’t be better; yes, they would be easier, but what would you really end up with?? If your heart is cold or you are not feeling passion or a desire for physical attention you might want to dig deeper and ask why? Perhaps, there is something in your past that is preventing trust and physical vulnerability? My Ex wife took 13 years before revealing an experience in her childhood that inhibited her. Just saying, you might want to dig deeper.
    LAH
    xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Mr. Mel says:

    My take on this post. The trunks are your mind the key to unlock them is love. A love it seem you have not experienced. Unconditional love. Unconditional love cares not for what you have in your trunks, it care only for you. You as you are now, with all of you self precived short coming. You have no need to search for this love because you are this love. Think on this.πŸ™πŸŒΉ

    Liked by 1 person

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