Hi all 🙂
I’d like to begin by thanking you all for your kind words and support over my past few posts. I could not have asked for a better WordPress community to be part of and I am deeply thankful to each and every one of you ❤
Since my last update I’ve finished my exams (and received all my marks back which I was mostly…happy with) and have been back at school with more assessments coming up in the next couple of weeks. The last year of school is really unforgiving, isn’t it? I feel as though they never give us a break, and whenever they do I’m stuck at home feeling like I should at least be doing SOMETHING. That’s not saying that I strongly object this routine though, I do know that it’s best and will prepare me for the future before I’m finally set freee!
Aaandd..yet again…as happy as I sound in the introductions of this update there’s always a twist. Of course it was probably evident by the title.
I broke my clean streak early last week. I don’t remember much and I don’t remember what triggered me, only was feeling extremely numb and repeating these words in my head: “What kind of friend am I?” I was talking to my friend (the same friend from this post) and must’ve upset him over something, and hence that probably made me begin self-loathing. It was only a minor thing…but of course, self-harm is self-harm and there’s no excuse. I’m a bit peeved at myself that I’ve fallen down this hole of shame again, and was especially hoping that I could reach a milestone of one year clean.
Last night, I made a terrible mistake that I’ll never forgive myself for. My friend and I were texting late at night, and as per usual we become quite emotionally sensitive at this time, so we began this cute asterisk conversation that we’ve done quite often in the past to make ourselves happy. However, since I feeling unwell for most of the day I was unable to complete homework in the afternoon, and divided my attention between this conversation with my friend and writing notes. I’d leave him hanging for short moments while I finished off sentences in my notebook or was otherwise distracted by something else (my short attention span is a huge problem of mine…). As I was winding down, I playfully admitted to him that I was being “naughty” and was in fact doing work the entire time…and that was probably the worst thing I could have ever said because that told him that while he had been giving me his full, devoted attention for that past hour, my head had been in other places. Truthfully if I were to ratio it, I’d say the amount of attention I’d been giving him was 70%, but I’m not in the position to make excuses at this stage. He was seriously hurt by that, and repeatedly said that he felt embarrassed, stupid and deceived, mostly because all this time he’d thought that he’d been worth my time and full attention– which he most definitely is, but it’s too late to say that now.
Of course I’m extremely sorry, but what I’m most upset about is the fact that I know how sensitive he is, and that this incident would’ve definitely put a huge wound in him. I know that it’s going to cause him anxiety in the future, I know that he’ll never forget this happened, I know that he’ll forever second-guess how much he’s worth to me, I know that I’ve just planted more seeds of doubt into him, I know that he’ll only blame himself, I know that I’ll never be able to properly apologise, I know that I’ll have scarred him, I know that he’ll put himself down, I know that I’ve hurt him, and I know that it’s entirely my doing.
I’m going to hold this incident against myself too. Unless I’m fully convinced that he’s let it go, I’ll forever berate myself for doing this. Because I’ve done the worst thing that I could ever possibly do: been a hypocrite and hurt my loved one in a way that I’ve experienced and never want to be hurt in. I’ll be forever sorry. I’ll never forgive myself.