I’ll never forgive myself

Hi all 🙂

I’d like to begin by thanking you all for your kind words and support over my past few posts. I could not have asked for a better WordPress community to be part of and I am deeply thankful to each and every one of you ❤

Since my last update I’ve finished my exams (and received all my marks back which I was mostly…happy with) and have been back at school with more assessments coming up in the next couple of weeks. The last year of school is really unforgiving, isn’t it? I feel as though they never give us a break, and whenever they do I’m stuck at home feeling like I should at least be doing SOMETHING. That’s not saying that I strongly object this routine though, I do know that it’s best and will prepare me for the future before I’m finally set freee!

Aaandd..yet again…as happy as I sound in the introductions of this update there’s always a twist. Of course it was probably evident by the title.

I broke my clean streak early last week. I don’t remember much and I don’t remember what triggered me, only was feeling extremely numb and repeating these words in my head: “What kind of friend am I?” I was talking to my friend (the same friend from this post) and must’ve upset him over something, and hence that probably made me begin self-loathing. It was only a minor thing…but of course, self-harm is self-harm and there’s no excuse. I’m a bit peeved at myself that I’ve fallen down this hole of shame again, and was especially hoping that I could reach a milestone of one year clean.

Last night, I made a terrible mistake that I’ll never forgive myself for. My friend and I were texting late at night, and as per usual we become quite emotionally sensitive at this time, so we began this cute asterisk conversation that we’ve done quite often in the past to make ourselves happy. However, since I feeling unwell for most of the day I was unable to complete homework in the afternoon, and divided my attention between this conversation with my friend and writing notes. I’d leave him hanging for short moments while I finished off sentences in my notebook or was otherwise distracted by something else (my short attention span is a huge problem of mine…). As I was winding down, I playfully admitted to him that I was being “naughty” and was in fact doing work the entire time…and that was probably the worst thing I could have ever said because that told him that while he had been giving me his full, devoted attention for that past hour, my head had been in other places. Truthfully if I were to ratio it, I’d say the amount of attention I’d been giving him was 70%, but I’m not in the position to make excuses at this stage. He was seriously hurt by that, and repeatedly said that he felt embarrassed, stupid and deceived, mostly because all this time he’d thought that he’d been worth my time and full attention– which he most definitely is, but it’s too late to say that now.

Of course I’m extremely sorry, but what I’m most upset about is the fact that I know how sensitive he is, and that this incident would’ve definitely put a huge wound in him. I know that it’s going to cause him anxiety in the future, I know that he’ll never forget this happened, I know that he’ll forever second-guess how much he’s worth to me, I know that I’ve just planted more seeds of doubt into him, I know that he’ll only blame himself, I know that I’ll never be able to properly apologise, I know that I’ll have scarred him, I know that he’ll put himself down, I know that I’ve hurt him, and I know that it’s entirely my doing.

I’m going to hold this incident against myself too. Unless I’m fully convinced that he’s let it go, I’ll forever berate myself for doing this. Because I’ve done the worst thing that I could ever possibly do: been a hypocrite and hurt my loved one in a way that I’ve experienced and never want to be hurt in. I’ll be forever sorry. I’ll never forgive myself.

~Abbey

30 thoughts on “I’ll never forgive myself

  1. ignited says:

    Your honesty concerning this moment in life speaks volumes of your sincerity & truest of heart. Life is not easy to maneuver at times & mistakes only show we are, in fact, human.
    May your heart find peace within soon.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. californianmarsyas says:

    wow. i never thought about things that way… i have never given undivided attention to anyone through text. didnt even know that was a thing

    Liked by 2 people

    • happysky7311 says:

      My friend is just very sensitive due to some things he’s experienced in the past. I respect this and don’t blame him for it, but it does make things difficult for me at times, such as this.

      Like

  3. ashleyleia says:

    It sounds like both of you were trying to get your needs met (him needing full attention and you wanting to support your friend but needing to get your homework done). An alternative way to address both of your needs met might have been to give 100% focus but spend less time texting with him so you’d have time to spend on your homework, but would he have felt good about that? If this has scarred him I think that’s likely more indicative of his own stuff he needs to work on rather than being a reflection of your actions.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. nycaedda says:

    Oh honey, just let me tell you I’ve hurt friends before fully aware it was the way I would hurt them the most… Sometimes I have these hours of guilt where my mind keeps showing me everything I’ve ever done wrong. Obviously, that’s harmful for myself too and I learnt giving myself a hard time again and again would just push me deeper into that hole. And I had to learn that asking for forgiveness is only helpful if you are able to forgive yourself first. I know sometimes you lose things over stupid mistakes and you never get them back which can be devastating but I guess moving on is the only thing possible sometimes. Moving on doesn’t mean being happy with a situation, most of the time it’s being okay with it. Accept yourself and don’t focus on your mistakes. All my love and power for you to move on and stay clean! x Ny

    Like

  5. bluebirdies21 says:

    I, too, find myself asking “what kind of friend am I?” For so long, I wondered about the way my friends saw me and why I always felt like with them I was second best. I know its a bit of a pity party I’m throwing myself over here, but it truly does make me wonder what i’ve done that would give me a certain image. This post really helped me reflect on some things and I thank you for that.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. William J Remski says:

    Abbey, you gave him 70%, that’s more than most people get. Don’t be so hard on yourself. There is always tomorrow. Self-criticism is the worst, as it is impossible to hide from. Start being kind to yourself, and good things will come to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. IntroducingMe says:

    I know what it’s like to give in to the urge to self harm and then hate yourself for it after. Please don’t beat yourself up too much about it. It’s happened, you can’t change that. What you can do is keep moving forward. Your friend will forgive you, he just needs time. I hope that things are a bit better for you now. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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