This is why I’m scared to love

lonely girl.jpeg

All my life I’ve been yearning for a safe relationship. A relationship where I can feel free without anxiety, express myself in whatever way I want, and love knowing that it’ll always be reciprocated.

Truth is, those wishes are no more than dreams. For as long as I hold onto my insecurities, I’ll keep pushing people away in fear of the tiniest things. It’s not simply love itself, but the fear of rejection and loneliness. The fear of waiting for text messages. The fear of feeling vulnerable. The fear of having someone one moment and seeing them turn their back on me the next. Somehow, these feelings have intertwined itself with what I see as the definition of falling in love.

After having inflicted so much pain on myself, the prospect of someone else hurting me is the scariest thing in the world.

I begin to wonder if they will be able to cope with me. I wonder if they will see me as a burden. I wonder if once they see my true colours, they’ll back away and leave me to fend for myself. I wonder whether they’ll reciprocate the love I have for them. In the end, all I expect in any relationship is for me to give my all, and be left with nothing but a broken heart.

My life has been a constant battle between my heart and head. Falling for people, then telling myself that I need to let go of them. Loving them, then instantly regretting my reactions. Getting frustrated at myself because I expect so much yet only can have so little. Blaming that person for my jealousy and anger when it’s in fact me that’s causing the damage. Me complicating things. Me creating problems that never existed in the first place.

I’m scared to love, because whenever I do, I begin to lose pieces of myself. I no longer see love as blissful romance, but instead as an impending doom. Soon enough, it feels as though I’ve lost my sanity and can do nothing but scrabble at the ground, focusing on trying to live rather than living my life to the fullest. There is no other motivation left but the simple will to survive.

 

 

 

Advertisements

20 thoughts on “This is why I’m scared to love

  1. emergingfromthedarknight says:

    Fearing you will lose a part of yourself in a relationship stems back to childhood. With the right person and enough honesty you will be loved for yourself one day. Don’t give up as hard as it gets. Don’t fully close the door on love I know how scary it is though. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  2. skyecielo says:

    This is exactly how I felt (and feel sometimes) but just know that things get better! I’ve just had my one year anniversary with my boyfriend.

    Beautifully written! Feel like my exact thoughts got written out. It’s crazy how people think the same way!

    Like

  3. Asimov says:

    I can’t express how much I relate with this, especially this part

    ——
    “I begin to wonder if they will be able to cope with me. I wonder if they will see me as a burden. I wonder if once they see my true colours, they’ll back away and leave me to fend for myself. I wonder whether they’ll reciprocate the love I have for them. In the end, all I expect in any relationship is for me to give my all, and be left with nothing but a broken heart.

    My life has been a constant battle between my heart and head. Falling for people, then telling myself that I need to let go of them. Loving them, then instantly regretting my reactions. Getting frustrated at myself because I expect so much yet only can have so little. Blaming that person for my jealousy and anger when it’s in fact me that’s causing the damage. Me complicating things. Me creating problems that never existed in the first place.”
    —–

    I’ve never truly been in a relationship, but for the second or third time now I gave my everything, began to over complicate, allowed insecurity to creep in. And now I can’t help but feel the same way about the future: will I be seen as a burden? Will she cope with me?
    The war between heart and head has been a theme of mine for a while too. You have your rationality in tact. And that’s a bad thing because it hinders you from enjoying love and it scolds you when things go wrong.

    But anyway, good post.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. christcenteredruminations says:

    Hello Friend. I was browsing through posts here on WordPress when I came across yours. It is funny because I can actually relate. For me it was the people that I had a crush on. I was always scared that they would not like me back. I thought that they were awesome and that I was weird. Sometimes, this feeling is due to age and being young. When we are young, we are just learning about ourselves and our identity. However, as we age, we see the real truth of life and become more comfortable with ourselves.

    You see, these people that you love, their lives are not perfect. Yes sure, you may text them and they do not reply, but they are not better than you. They are just like you. They laugh, they cry, they get sad, happy, eat, sleep and everything else, the same way you do. Also everyone feels differently. You might find two people, you might decide to talk to the first person because you feel that the second person is way out of your league. The first person might not like you, but the second person who you skipped out on may actually be someone who is emotional, highly concerned about feelings, not superficial and is looking for love. When I was going through the phase you are currently in, I thought that nobody attractive would ever like me. When they did, I always imagined that it is because they wanted something from me, wanted to use me, or they were simply being nice. Silly me. lol. Now, I realize that regardless of looks, some people just fall harder than others. It is just how it is.

    When it comes to love and finding love. It is important to know who you are first and foremost. It is never a good idea to go into a relationship with insecurities. You need to be confident in who you are, so that if your partner ever cheats on you or decides to leave, you would not feel bad, because you know who you are. To find who you are, you need to experience real love and build an identity, an identity that is free from insecurity. You can achieve this by building a relationship with God. I do not know whether or not you have a relationship with God, but, God is love. God shows us true love and he never turns us away.

    Romans 8:37-39 says “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord”.

    God’s love is also very real and practical. If you build a strong relationship with God, trust me, you can decide to buy groceries and God would speak to you through an inner voice and tell you the cheapest place you can get them. If you tell God that you need a job, trust me, the next day after praying, you can get a job interview. When we believe in God and obey his word, we become his beloved and he cares deeply for us.

    God says in Philippians 4:6
    “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”

    God says in Proverbs 8:17-18
    “I love those who love me; And those who diligently seek me will find me. “Riches and honor are with me, Enduring wealth and righteousness”.

    God’s love is different from regular love because God is the creator of all the earth and everything that exists. He can do anything that he wills for you. If God wants you to be the richest person before the break of dawn tomorrow, you will become the richest person. Nothing is impossible with God. God’s love is super real. He will keep blessing you and taking care of you when you show him love and build a relationship with him. He would also send his angels to guard you. Now imagine getting love from the creator and experiencing a love like this. Trust me, you would not be too concerned about love from humans, because human love is imperfect just as we are imperfect. However, God’s love is sweet. All those blessings, spiritual and physical gifts, answered prayers and so much more really makes life sweet to be honest. Even while we are in relationships, we need to make sure that our partners do not take the place of God in our lives, because they can never love us the way that God does. When we focus on God’s love, even if our partners decide to break up with us, we know that we have a love somewhere that is sweeter and far better, God’s love.

    God would also confer on you a special identity, an identity that would remind you of your worth. There is no need to feel insecure when you are in God. Although you might sometimes worry about some things here and there, however, you would always feel some sense of joy in knowing who you are.

    Concerning God’s people, the bible says in 1 Peter 2:9
    “But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light”

    Did you hear that? We are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood. We are sons and daughters of a father in heaven who sits upon a royal throne. We are princes and princesses because of our association with him.

    Dear friend, I suggest that you build a relationship with God today. He is willing and able to love you back to life.

    To build a relationship with God (if you do not already have one), here are the steps that I recommend:

    1. Confession of faith: you need to find a quiet space. Imagine that Jesus is in front of you. Ask him for forgiveness of your past sins and the sins of your ancestors. Ask him to give you the strength to forgive those who have offended you. Honestly, I suggest that you forgive the people who have offended you, because whatever they did to you is now in the past, and upon a confession of Jesus as your Lord, you become a new creation. In addition, God commands that we need to forgive others, before he can forgive us. You can also get a deliverance before your confession of faith. Deliverance will rid you off any ungodly spirits that have taken residence in your body and mind. A pastor with a deliverance anointing should be able to help with this. There are also videos on YouTube, where pastors with a deliverance anointing pray directly for people through the videos. You just need to search “deliverance prayer” in the search bar to reach these videos. Now, you need to tell Jesus that you want him to come and be your lord and personal savior, and surrender to him. You need to know that Jesus died for you. He died on the cross so that you may have a chance at salvation. The minute you give your life to Jesus, you need to know that you can no longer live as you wish, you shall live according to the stipulations in the bible. Believe in your heart that Jesus was risen up from the dead by God, and confess with your mouth that he is the messiah and your personal savior.

    2. Prayers: ask Jesus to bless you with eternal life. Tell him to make a place for you in his heavenly abode. You need to understand that praying for heaven is the best prayer that you can ever pray. Life on earth is so short, you need to be worried about eternal life, which is so much longer. God knows that you need clothes, food, shelter etc. He is your creator and he knows your every need. The bible tells us to pray for eternal life and God would provide our other needs (i.e. clothes, shelter etc.) according to his riches. If there is something bothering you, tell God in prayer, commit it to him and ask him to do it for you. However, bear in mind that this life is temporary and so are the things in this life. When you are praying, the devil will try to disrupt your prayers by bringing sudden disturbances and evil thoughts. An example of an evil thought that the devil tries to use to stop people from praying is by bringing the thought that Jesus is not present and that they are simply wasting their time. Jesus is there with you when you pray. So pray like you mean it. Pray the same way you will if Jesus was right in front of you because he is. You need to understand how prayers work as well. You see, when you pray, God answers prayers. God usually has three answers to prayers Yes, Yes but Wait, and No. God has a reason for every answer that he gives. He loves you and he will make sure that everything works out well for you in the end. When you get a No from God, sometimes it is not because that thing is not good for you at that point in time, but it may be because God is trying to draw your attention to something that you are doing wrong in your life. When you get a No from God, you need to evaluate yourself, what is the motive of your prayer? is it pure? Is it Godly? Is there an area of sin in your life that you need to work on? When you reflect on these things and you find something in yourself lacking, try to fix it. When God says Yes to prayers and sends you his blessings, trust me, there are spiritual forces of the devil in high places that work against people so that their blessings from God would not reach them. You need to pray against these spiritual forces. Rebuke them by the power and the name of Jesus. This way, your blessings would be able to reach you. Lastly, some people pray lazy prayers. For example, someone might pray for a job, without actually applying to any. God does not reward laziness. When you are praying for something, you need to be putting some work in as well. God rewards hard-work and we ought to strive to be hardworking. God’s role is to direct, bless, and make your path clear. He would be with you. You need to make sure that you are close to God in prayer. Do not cease to tell him about what you are struggling with. If you are struggling with sins of the flesh that you believe are hindering your spiritual growth, you need to make sure that you tell God. Make sure that you pray for an increment in faith. Faith is important, you need to have faith in God. When we pray, we need to have faith, God does not like it when we doubt his ability to provide us with what we want, he is mighty and nothing is impossible with him. When you are low in faith, pray to God for an increment in faith. Remember to pray for your family, your city, your country and the world in fact, no prayers are too big for God. Pray that unsaved people would be saved. Pray for your non-Christian family members, pray that they see the light and become saved. When you pray, make sure that you take care of sins. The bible says that we need to forgive others if we want our sins to be forgiven. Make sure you forgive others, ask for forgiveness of your sins first before praying. Sins can block your prayers from getting to God. Try to avoid sin, but pray for forgiveness of sins everyday, because sometimes, we are not aware of the sins that we are committing. When you get answers to your prayers, remember to thank God.

    3. The Bible: You need to make sure that you are reading the bible and that you are obeying it. I suggest you begin with the New Testament because the coming of Jesus changed many of the things that were practised before. However, bear in mind that the old testament is also important. You can find free bible apps on google play. You can also find free bibles online. The New Living Translation is an easy to read bible version. However, the most popular one is the King James Version.

    4. Hearing from God: Trust me, God would speak to you. He would speak to you through dreams. Through people, through situations, through the bible and so much more. You need to practice and perfect the art of hearing God’s voice. Dreams contain a lot of symbolism. When you possess an avid knowledge of what the bible says, you would understand the biblical meaning of all the symbols in your dreams. However, for now, you can search online bible dream dictionaries for the meaning of things you see in your dream. You also need to know that although there are general meanings for some symbols, some interpretations are based on context. Take context into account. God does communicate via dreams. Sometimes, you might be asking God for direction on something. Pay attention to the words all around you during this time i.e, the things people say, words you see when reading the bible etc. Sometimes you might even just turn on your TV and the TV anchor would say something that directly relates to what you are going through. Pay attention to these things. You would know it is God’s voice when whatever is said is not in contradiction to the bible and God’s nature. If it is in contradiction then it might just be something random that popped up. As you practise the art of listening and hearing, God might give you the gift of seeing visions or the gift of hearing an inner voice, and take you to deeper depths of hearing.

    5. Fasting: fasting is an effective way to get God’s attention. Fasting is a way to spend time with him. You deprive yourself of food because what you seek for is more than food. There are different types of fasting, and you need to plan what works for you. There is the:

    A. Avoidance fasting: This is a fasting form where you avoid something that you cannot do without i.e. Coffee.

    B. Daniel’s fast: In this sort of fasting, you only eat fruit and vegetables and drink water. You do not eat anything cooked or anything other than fruits and vegetables.

    C. Water fast: In this sort of fasting, you do not eat anything, you only drink water. No food, just water.

    D. Total fast: In this sort of fasting, you do not eat or drink anything. You do not drink even water.

    Make sure that you work out what works for you. You can pray to God for directions on the timing of the fasting to follow. However, as a general time-frame, on fasting days, many Christians fast from 6am to 6pm. Many Christians also use those moments when they feel hungry/ feel cravings as prompts to pray. You need to have increased prayers during fasting periods.

    6. Temptations: When you believe in Jesus. Trust me, the devil sometimes would throw trials and tribulations into your life, the goal of this is to get you to denounce your faith. The goal is to frustrate you. You need to pray and fast when trials and tribulations strike. God would never leave you or forsake you. He would be with you and with God, you will overcome this if it ever happens.

    7. Spreading the gospel: Now that you know the truth, you are chosen. It is now your duty to share the truth in the bible with others. Make sure that you save people from falling prey to Satan’s tactics. You need to join the fight to depopulate the devil’s camp, while populating God’s kingdom. With spreading the gospel, do not feel the need to finish reading the whole bible before you begin. You can teach people the little you know.

    8. Read: There is a lot of material out there. There are ministers of God who have practised for about 40 years. These people have a lot of stories about their ministry. Some of them have the gift to heal others, others see visions, some of them hear God’s voice. Many of these people have written books about how they accomplished what they have accomplished, and how they got their gift. Buy these books and read them. If you do not have money, some of these ministers have shared their stories for free on YouTube, take advantage of that.

    9: Reform yourself: begin to watch Christian movies and listen to Christian music. Make sure that your thoughts, actions, and words are in obedience to the word of God. Make sure that you are not doing anything sinful in your thoughts, actions or words. Refine your world, the space around you, the things you see and hear, make it all about God. You can also join a community of bible believing Christians. However, I need to tell you that there is sectarianism in the religion. Do not pay attention to sectarianism, pay attention to the bible. The bible is your authority. If a church seems to have too much sectarianism issue going on, if they are more focused on promoting their denomination than promoting God and the word in his bible, you need to stop going there. Get a water baptism, and pray so that God would baptise you in the holy spirit.

    (I know I have written this list in the order of 1 to 9. It is crucial that you begin with Step 1. Prayers are something that you need to do constantly, so is bible study, hearing from God and reforming yourself. However, you can start small with fasting and spreading the gospel. You can start by preaching to your family members in the beginning phase of spreading the gospel, but you need to expand on these over time. I know this list seems long and all these seem deep, but trust me, you would blend into it so easily and it would become second nature to you. Pray to God to make all of these easy for you, and he will. The devil would try to trick you into believing that God’s standards are too high and that you would never overcome sin, when in actuality, you can. So therefore, pray to God and believe and he would help you overcome sin).

    If you ever backslide and fall back into sin again while trying to follow God’s word. You need to ask him to forgive you and try to get back on track.

    If you have any questions, feel free to let me know. If you need to talk, I am here for you. God bless you. Have a blessed day 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. jazzedout says:

    I certainly understand this entire post, wow! I am currently going through the same thing. It can be so hard to love when you’ve dealt with heartache AND deal with anxiety. It’s a constant struggle and I also feel like I’m over-analyzing everything in my (current) relationship for fear of getting hurt.

    While things may seem murky or unclear now, I know you will find that guy that will love you so unconditionally and allow you to feel a level of comfort that will help you through love.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. farfallainviata says:

    Thank you for sharing that with us. I went and must admit still go through the same experience. Mostly after being so lonely and disappointed , i realised i must first learn to love myself and work on my insecurities before letting someone else entering my world. Do not close yourself , go on that journey of discovering who you are and what you want , be true to that feeling. Love is coming and you will know when you ready. The power is within you

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s