All my life I’ve been yearning for a safe relationship. A relationship where I can feel free without anxiety, express myself in whatever way I want, and love knowing that it’ll always be reciprocated.
Truth is, those wishes are no more than dreams. For as long as I hold onto my insecurities, I’ll keep pushing people away in fear of the tiniest things. It’s not simply love itself, but the fear of rejection and loneliness. The fear of waiting for text messages. The fear of feeling vulnerable. The fear of having someone one moment and seeing them turn their back on me the next. Somehow, these feelings have intertwined itself with what I see as the definition of falling in love.
After having inflicted so much pain on myself, the prospect of someone else hurting me is the scariest thing in the world.
I begin to wonder if they will be able to cope with me. I wonder if they will see me as a burden. I wonder if once they see my true colours, they’ll back away and leave me to fend for myself. I wonder whether they’ll reciprocate the love I have for them. In the end, all I expect in any relationship is for me to give my all, and be left with nothing but a broken heart.
My life has been a constant battle between my heart and head. Falling for people, then telling myself that I need to let go of them. Loving them, then instantly regretting my reactions. Getting frustrated at myself because I expect so much yet only can have so little. Blaming that person for my jealousy and anger when it’s in fact me that’s causing the damage. Me complicating things. Me creating problems that never existed in the first place.
I’m scared to love, because whenever I do, I begin to lose pieces of myself. I no longer see love as blissful romance, but instead as an impending doom. Soon enough, it feels as though I’ve lost my sanity and can do nothing but scrabble at the ground, focusing on trying to live rather than living my life to the fullest. There is no other motivation left but the simple will to survive.