I knew it was going to be hard when we first broke up, but perhaps I wasn’t as prepared as I thought.
It was really hard to see any light in my life, let alone feel it. I’d stare at my ceiling first thing in the morning, reliving all our happy moments with tears streaming down my face. My body felt weighed down, lethargic, and sapped of all strength. My mind was racing with “what ifs” and “buts” and other incoherent thoughts that only worked to confuse me even more.
I was afraid to open my bedroom door. I didn’t want to face reality. I refused to believe that life would go on, that nature would take its course. I wanted to shut myself in sadness. I wanted time to stand still and to allow myself to wallow in self-pity because it was the only familiar feeling at the time.
Every breakup is painful, whether it’s one sided or mutual. Things can be smooth-sailing or going horribly wrong, it doesn’t matter. Leaving a person who you’ve devoted an extended period of your life to is always hard.
It hurt to leave you, it really did. The relationship was flawed, but it still hurt. Even though I was the one who initiated the breakup, it doesn’t mean I wasn’t sad. I hope you know that I was sobbing at my desk as I wrote that final message, tears falling with every scrawled word. I hope you know that my heart was breaking, that I initiated this while still in love with you.
But sometimes, such painful experiences give birth to the most powerful of lessons.
Despite how heart wrenching this all was, I don’t regret it. It was needed. I may have been sad, but part of me was breathing a sigh of relief. Whether or not you’re aware of it, our relationship had turned from one of love into constant bickering, victimisation and control. I was a dove in a cage, unable to fly free. You were hurting, confused and lost within yourself. Neither of us loved ourselves. Neither of us were truly happy.
Leaving taught me to stand up for myself. It taught me to be strong, and to be in control of my own life. It taught me that I deserve the same– if not more – respect and love that I have been giving others. It taught me to not sell myself short, that I am who I am and that should be embraced, not rejected or frowned upon. It taught me to seek understandings, and not explanations. It taught me that I’m responsible for my own life, my own happiness and well-being, not others’.
I still get sad from time to time, but that’s okay. I still miss you, and that’s okay too. But I’m more spirited, fulfilled, and happier than I’ve ever been before, and that’s all that matters.
I hope you’ve been happier too.